There are a million stories about Grandma, ones that we have told and retold for a laugh or to make the missing her dim a little. Today is just hard on me and I want to show how her heart was great, and her love for us was bigger than anything imaginable. But nothing I can say will be enough to give you an understanding to give life to her memory.
It was christmas 1999 I was pregnant and having a hard time in my life. I called her to tell her happy birthday and she knew something was the matter with me. She kept asking what was wrong and I broke down with the silliest thing, It was almost christmas and I did not have a tree yet, and oh how I cried. There were a thousand other things wrong but the only one I could express was christmas without a tree. I left for work the next day, and she went to the tree lot all the trees on the lots were tied up, you know like umbrellas. She picked one probably at random and had them tie it to the top of her car. She got it into my house while I was at work, into a stand no less. Then cut the ties off and left. When I got home from work the branches had all settled and the tree had opened up. My ENTIRE dining room was full of douglas pine. The tree was so big you could not even walk into the room. I laughed until it hurt cause I knew who had surprised me.It was so big that when it came time to take it down it had to be cut up into little peices to get back out side. She fixed the one thing that she could to make me smile, to try to make me happy. And just like always it was comedy.
She did everything she ever could for me, she would say "dont worry baby, we will figure it out". (That is my life motto.) The magic she worked to help me with my kids, to be there for us. I remember her working two jobs when I was little. I remember those awful dresses she paid too much money for to dress me like a princess, I even had hats and gloves, and one of them had little bells sewn into the pettycoat. I was her baby.
There were more times than I want to say that she helped keep the lights on at the house, or food on the table. Or if I mentioned even in passing "you know I would like to have ..." she made it happen somehow. I saw a kitchen set I liked once and she bought I peice by peice until I had the whole thing, one chair at a time. And it didnt matter to her as long as she could help me, and it wasnt about the things, it was about what she wanted for me, the kind of life she wanted me to have. No matter how hard I tried to screw it up.
She was so much to so many people and I think as you live your daily life you forget about all that has come before. She played on a bowling league I remember the blue bag her ball was in and the ugly shirts. She made doughnuts and coffee at her second job at 5 am. She worked at the mill for years, on the floor where she lost most of her hearing, then in the destruction lab. It was her job to break it (for anybody who knows that is hilaroius). She didnt speak english until she was a teenager. The story is my grandfather taught her how. (explains a lot huh) She married a hillbilly Marine from Opp Alabama cause she liked the way he sounded when he talked. (My great aunt S tells me that he thought the same about her and he liked her funny french words) She didnt get her license until her oldest daughter did. She hated the color red because it was her mom's favorite color. She had brothers and a sister. She went to catholic school. She traveled the country with my grandfather and each of her kids was born in a different state. Her best friends called her Maggie and they giggled like teenagers when they got together even though they were all well over 65. She loved ribbon candy and would eat it all but the red peices. She thought babies should be bathed atleast twice a day. She never got past the loss of her oldest daughter, even after 18 years cried for her at night sometimes. She had her first heart attack trying to work a full time job and still be there C and the kids to help them through loosing their Moma. She sat by her best friend's bed for 4 months as the cancer took Aunt N away, and was holding her hand when she went, just two old friends. She once drove herself to have surgery because she did not want to tell us she was having her toes broken on purpose because she thought they were ugly, when the nurse called us to come pick her up she was really mad that we had left her there, we didnt even know she was doing it! These are all things that make up a life. Little peices that made her special, but are by no means the whole.
I miss your smile, I miss your laugh, I miss your silly sense of humor. I miss your 5 min time delay, I miss your silly little glove, I miss how you quacked in your sleep when you snored. I miss the phone checks just to find out what everybody in our house was doing at any given moment, I miss you calling me to tell me what happened on your soaps that day. I miss your touch, I miss your smell, I miss you.
And I know it is better for you, you dont hurt anymore, you are not sick and struggling anymore. And I know I am selfish and spoiled but you did it and I want my Grandma to hold me and tell me " dont worry baby, we will figure it out". I love you, my kids love you. I miss you every day. And most days it is easier but some days it is so much harder.
One last story, Grandma was living at Mom's house and I was right down the road in this little farm house about 1/2 a mile. Moma got the Christams cards together for everybody and gave them to Grandma, she put stamps on them and drove them to the Browns Summit post office. The post man sorts them and sends them out to be delivered. He brings mine to my house and puts it in the mail box at the top of the driveway. Grandma leaves her house, drives to mine, pulls the wrong way into oncomming traffic to check my mail box, gets the card out pulls into my driveway, drives to my house honks the horn for me to come outside and get my christams card from her. how do you make up stuff like that?
Monday, August 27, 2012
Miss you
Grandma, I cant sleep tonight. The problem is stress and life and things being hard right now. And I feel low, real low. I laid in bed and I talked to you for awhile in this one way conversation we have been having for 3 years now. Then I cried, some of it was for you but I am ashamed to say most of it was for me.
When you were dying and we knew it, it was a sticky grief. Like something on your skin you could not wash off, it just hung there. Through the hugs and forced laughter as we all tried to be strong for you. It was so strong I could taste it when the last words you ever said to me were how you would miss your babies, my babies most of all. When I came to your bedside for the last time and laid my head in your lap like a child and cried because I knew that you were almost gone and I would never touch you again.
Then you were gone and it was a numb pain, it was that the whole world was a little out of focus. And it took awhile for things for me to come back from there. And the pain changed again, it was a sneaky pain, life was close to normal. Everyday stuff, work, kids, homework, dinner, grades life kept on living. And I would get so excited to tell you something, first words, walking, ears pierced, oh you will love this new outfit, except your not here. But it was so strong this want of you that I forgot and even dialed the phone on more than one occasion. So I thought, ok this is how missing her is going to be. And I think that I accepted that you were gone all the way then.
But, then things got rough for us and times have gotten hard, and like you always said, if it wasn't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all. And yeah, you have not always been able to fix my life but other than you dying this is the first hard time I have had without you. And hell you even talked me through you dying, I knew what you wanted, how you wanted to be remembered and I have done my very best. But what I would not GIVE to hear you say "baby what are we gonna do with you?" And I know I should be beyond this now and I should not be up at midnight wanting my Grandma to fix the world. So tonight I think its a different kind of pain, missing you mixed with some self pity. I love you and miss you. And I am struggling here, goodnight again.
When you were dying and we knew it, it was a sticky grief. Like something on your skin you could not wash off, it just hung there. Through the hugs and forced laughter as we all tried to be strong for you. It was so strong I could taste it when the last words you ever said to me were how you would miss your babies, my babies most of all. When I came to your bedside for the last time and laid my head in your lap like a child and cried because I knew that you were almost gone and I would never touch you again.
Then you were gone and it was a numb pain, it was that the whole world was a little out of focus. And it took awhile for things for me to come back from there. And the pain changed again, it was a sneaky pain, life was close to normal. Everyday stuff, work, kids, homework, dinner, grades life kept on living. And I would get so excited to tell you something, first words, walking, ears pierced, oh you will love this new outfit, except your not here. But it was so strong this want of you that I forgot and even dialed the phone on more than one occasion. So I thought, ok this is how missing her is going to be. And I think that I accepted that you were gone all the way then.
But, then things got rough for us and times have gotten hard, and like you always said, if it wasn't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all. And yeah, you have not always been able to fix my life but other than you dying this is the first hard time I have had without you. And hell you even talked me through you dying, I knew what you wanted, how you wanted to be remembered and I have done my very best. But what I would not GIVE to hear you say "baby what are we gonna do with you?" And I know I should be beyond this now and I should not be up at midnight wanting my Grandma to fix the world. So tonight I think its a different kind of pain, missing you mixed with some self pity. I love you and miss you. And I am struggling here, goodnight again.
Cast
CI is upset, she is 5 so this happens more often than you can imagine. Today is because Husband just let her know that she had to have her cast changed this week. Her arm is broken, just from her being herself. Let me take you on a time trip, 5 years ago she showed up early, by about a month just cause she wanted to and nobody was going to stop her. Things have been that way ever since. If you can tear it up, she will, even if YOU think she cant, she will. If it can be spilled, dropped, stepped on flipped off of, fell on tripped over she will.
She rarely does any of it with intent, you know that thing you need to be charged with it. Things just happen around her. She is an accident waiting on a place to happen. She writes I LOVE YOU MOMMY on the wall (atleast at 2 that was what she said it said) in marker, still dont know where she got the marker. She swallowed a plastic duck (X-Ray 1) she fell out of her brother's bed and put her tooth threw her lip, she fell and hit her head on the snake tank (X-Ray 2, superglued her head together at the hospital) Bloodied her nose walking into the wall because her shoes lit up and she liked watching them. Do you want me to continue?
Now dont get the impression she is an airhead, she is not. She could talk in sentences before she was 13 months old, she is above grade level in everything, her Pediatrician says she is just showing off. She is inquisitive and smart, and expresses herself well and often. She talks constantly even in her sleep, about everything, anything...
Back to the point, CI broke her arm 3 weeks ago bouncing on her bed, after the MILLIONTH time being told not to. She bounced too hard and her bed bounced her out into the floor. She cried, but not horriblely, no bruise, no swelling. And she kept playing, the key was she was still, she wasnt running, jumping, skipping, hopping, you know being herself.
So, I took her to the hospital. When we got there all the nurses looked at me like I was stupid, she was singing, climbing, throwing her bunny in the air and catching it. But to humor me they did the X-Ray (# 3). Came back with a Buckle Fracture of her Radious. We were all kinda suprised...
CI has a cast, she has grown attached to it, believes she wants to keep so that she can keep from getting hurt later. Now the Doc wants a smaller one on, just for a couple of weeks. She informed Husband she wants to break the other arm so that she can just wear them and not get hurt anymore. Husband told me he would have the situation handled when I got home. I think I should buy a helmet and a big roll of bubble wrap on my way to the house...
She rarely does any of it with intent, you know that thing you need to be charged with it. Things just happen around her. She is an accident waiting on a place to happen. She writes I LOVE YOU MOMMY on the wall (atleast at 2 that was what she said it said) in marker, still dont know where she got the marker. She swallowed a plastic duck (X-Ray 1) she fell out of her brother's bed and put her tooth threw her lip, she fell and hit her head on the snake tank (X-Ray 2, superglued her head together at the hospital) Bloodied her nose walking into the wall because her shoes lit up and she liked watching them. Do you want me to continue?
Now dont get the impression she is an airhead, she is not. She could talk in sentences before she was 13 months old, she is above grade level in everything, her Pediatrician says she is just showing off. She is inquisitive and smart, and expresses herself well and often. She talks constantly even in her sleep, about everything, anything...
Back to the point, CI broke her arm 3 weeks ago bouncing on her bed, after the MILLIONTH time being told not to. She bounced too hard and her bed bounced her out into the floor. She cried, but not horriblely, no bruise, no swelling. And she kept playing, the key was she was still, she wasnt running, jumping, skipping, hopping, you know being herself.
So, I took her to the hospital. When we got there all the nurses looked at me like I was stupid, she was singing, climbing, throwing her bunny in the air and catching it. But to humor me they did the X-Ray (# 3). Came back with a Buckle Fracture of her Radious. We were all kinda suprised...
CI has a cast, she has grown attached to it, believes she wants to keep so that she can keep from getting hurt later. Now the Doc wants a smaller one on, just for a couple of weeks. She informed Husband she wants to break the other arm so that she can just wear them and not get hurt anymore. Husband told me he would have the situation handled when I got home. I think I should buy a helmet and a big roll of bubble wrap on my way to the house...
First Day of Kindergarden
We have a HUGE family. My Husband and I have some his mine and ours together. Right now there are 5 of them at our house out of 8. We have 2 dogs (recently lost 2), we have 2 cats (lost 1 at the begining of the year), 2 turtles, a snake, some fish, couple of frogs (who can keep up) , one eel some snails and who knows what else they have snuck by me and I will find in a closet. Today 3 of the 5 went back to school (of the other 3 I always get this question, 2 are grown 1 in college, and one finding himself, I dont know where it is he last saw himself but I hope it works out for him soon. And the last is with the Husband's ex though we wish other wise.) Tm is a senoir in HS and this worries me greatly, he does not have the life skills to be by himself anytime soon...ever... Husband and I have tried but Husband's ex believes this child may break if made to do anything for himself, he can fix himself a basic meal and get dressed without asking us what to do anymore but that took time. Mind you there is NOTHING cognativly wrong with him, just never had to do anything for himself. But I degress. His first day as a Senoir, wrong SMOD (Standard Mode Of Dress) they changed it from last year. TF (the middle schooler) forgot his schedule in the car. And CI was just unprepared, and being fair she is just starting Kindergarden so its probably best to say Husband and I were unprepared. But, everyone got to school, I was the only one who cried, then round two as I drove back to the HighSchool dropped off the right color shirt, drove to the middle school dropped of the class schedule, then home (had I gone to the elementary school I may have brought her home with me) then off to work. Husband has just called, he picked up CI from school and she proudly told me she made lots of new friends today. Nothing else happened AT ALL, I asked repeatedly, in different ways hoping to trigger a memory. She wants to go back tomorrow, if it is ok with me. I told her yes. The two littles ones seemed to enjoy being at home by themselves with Husband. No word yet on if 7th and 12th grade killed anyone today. Guess that will wait for me to get home.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
First Time for everything
There is a first time for everything, first kiss, first date, first house, first kid, now first blog. I have been kinda wary of the whole thing. You know "just because all your friends are doing it" mentality plus, who really wants to know what happens at my house, its crazy here. And I don't think anyone really wants to know what is going on in my head its kinda scary up here, even some of my voices have gotten creeped out and left.
But to intoduce myself I am a Mom, a Wife, a Sister, a Nurse, a Daughter, a friend. I will be omiting names so that the people I talk about whom I am related to in the above named ways dont kill me or sue or never speak to me again.
We have a intergrated family, you dont have to be related to me by blood to be included and if you are you dont have to claim all of us. Truthfully, I have denied a few myself, and probibly been denied. And so it Begins...
But to intoduce myself I am a Mom, a Wife, a Sister, a Nurse, a Daughter, a friend. I will be omiting names so that the people I talk about whom I am related to in the above named ways dont kill me or sue or never speak to me again.
We have a intergrated family, you dont have to be related to me by blood to be included and if you are you dont have to claim all of us. Truthfully, I have denied a few myself, and probibly been denied. And so it Begins...
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