Miss you

Grandma, I cant sleep tonight. The problem is stress and life and things being hard right now. And I feel low, real low. I laid in bed and I talked to you for awhile in this one way conversation we have been having for 3 years now. Then I cried, some of it was for you but I am ashamed to say most of it was for me.
      When you were dying and we knew it, it was a sticky grief. Like something on your skin you could not wash off, it just hung there. Through the hugs and forced laughter as we all tried to be strong for you. It was so strong I could taste it when the last words you ever said to me were how you would miss your babies, my babies most of all. When I came to your bedside for the last time and laid my head in your lap like a child and cried because I knew that you were almost gone and I would never touch you again.
       Then you were gone and it was a numb pain, it was that the whole world was a little out of focus. And it took awhile for things for me to come back from there. And the pain changed again, it was a sneaky pain, life was close to normal. Everyday stuff, work, kids, homework, dinner, grades life kept on living. And I would get so excited to tell you something, first words, walking, ears pierced, oh you will love this new outfit, except your not here. But it was so strong this want of you that I forgot and even dialed the phone on more than one occasion. So I thought, ok this is how missing her is going to be. And I think that I accepted that you were gone all the way then.
       But, then things got rough for us and times have gotten hard, and like you always said, if it wasn't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all. And yeah, you have not always been able to fix my life but other than you dying this is the first hard time I have had without you. And hell you even talked me through you dying, I knew what you wanted, how you wanted to be remembered and I have done my very best. But what I would not GIVE to hear you say "baby what are we gonna do with you?" And I know I should be beyond this now and I should not be up at midnight wanting my Grandma to fix the world. So tonight I think its a different kind of pain, missing you mixed with some self pity. I love you and miss you. And I am struggling here, goodnight again.